Glitch
by Black Dragon6
Summary: Self-insert. What more is there to say?
1. The Ascension

Glitch  
a Ranma 1/2 self-insert fanfiction  
by Black Dragon  
  
Standard disclaimer applies. Black Dragon, self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos, is the only character that belongs to me. All others have been shamelessly stolen from people far more deserving and affluent than I am. And I'm keeping them too. Ha ha!  
This is my own vision of what a self-insert fanfictions should look like. There will be no God-like manipulation of plot lines, and no running the lives of the main characters (well, okay, there'll be a little of that). This is pure comedy, just like all the other garbage I write.  
  
Glitch  
Chapter 1  
The Ascension  
***********************************************************************  
  
"All right scumbags! Suck plasma!"  
Twin bolts of red death burst out of the double-barreled rifle, stabbing deeply into Ryoga's chest. The lost boy gasped and fell to his knees, his eyes wide as hot pain spread outward from his torso.  
Mousse jumped away as Ryoga's corpse fell to the ground, and threw a barrage of chains and knives. All for naught.  
Black Dragon, the mighty Lord of Chaos, laughed as he slapped away the razor-sharp weapons like flies, hitting each projectile with perfect accuracy.  
"I never did like you, Mousse. Your misplaced and moronic devotion may have won you some fans, but in the end, you just don't have what it takes." BD leveled his weapon, a 2-foot long plasma rifle, and grinned sadistically.  
"Damn you!" Mousse slipped a scythe out of his sleeve and charged, only to be halted instantly as the first spears of red pierced his heart.  
BD snorted as the last of the bodies hit the ground, and blew away the smoke wafting from the barrel of his gun. "Feh. Too easy."  
Ranma staggered up to him from behind, being held up mostly by Ukyo and Shampoo. "Wow! Seeing how I was inexplicably incapacitated early on in the fight against two people who I beat up on a regular basis, it sure is a good thing you were there! You're the coolest!"  
Black Dragon flashed him a smile, showing off his perfect. "Why yes, I AM cool, aren't I?"  
"BD! BD! He's our man! Since Ranma can't do it, we're glad he can!" A group of cheerleaders danced and chanted on the sidelines, waving silver pom-poms in the air.  
Shampoo turned to Ukyo. "Well, now that Mousse dead, Shampoo have no one turn to but Ranma!"  
Ukyo blinked. "Wow. That's something to think about. I mean, I still have Konatsu."  
"No ya don't," BD interrupted, "I got him earlier."  
Ukyo gripped Ranma's arm tighter. "Wow. I don't have anyone to turn to but Ranma as well. To think, if Ranma marries Akane, we'll be all alone."  
"Hold on a sec..." BD looked at his watch, and started counting off seconds.  
*KABOOOOM!!!* A massive explosion lit up the skyline of Tokyo, and Black Dragon smiled.  
"No longer a problem."  
Ranma suddenly stood up with a determined look on his face. "Well, seeing how Akane's dead, I can't possible abandon Ukyo and Shampoo to lives of agonizing misery without me." He stepped forward, then turned to the girls. "I'll just have to marry you both!"  
The two former rivals glanced at each other, then shrugged and double-glomped their fiancee.  
Ukyo frowned. "Wait, what about Kodachi?"  
"What do you think?" BD deadpanned.  
Looking up to the sky, Black Dragon gestured away the cheerleaders before signaling the extra-dramatic background music.  
"Well, seeing how I've altered the storyline to my will, killed all the characters I don't like, and satisfied all the characters that I do, it's time to began a record of my own travels, where I destroy every unfavorable element with monotonous ease and start building a harem of hot anime women for myself." Sighing to himself, the Lord of Chaos turned away and began walking into the sunset.  
Ranma nodded and hugged his fiancees to him. "Good luck Black. We'll pray for you." Shampoo and Ukyo nodded seriously.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Black Dragon, 17-year old super geek extraordinaire, sighed tiredly as he finished the latest chapter for his monthly fanfic update.  
Looking over his work, he frowned slightly, scratching his chin.  
"Something's missing... hmmmmm... maybe a plot would help." BD started scrolling down the numerous pages of inane rambling and frowned.  
"Doesn't look like there's room for an actual plot... I'll just add a scene with a mysterious evil overlord instead." He did so. It didn't help.  
BD closed the application disgustedly. "No wonder self-inserts suck. How can an author be expected to worry about things like characterization, plot, and an entertaining and feasible storyline when he can run rampant and kill anyone he wants?"  
With uncanny inconvenience, a new voice floated in from the hallway.  
"BD! Dad says to take out the trash!"  
He blinked. "What? That's your job!"  
Prism Knight, self-proclaimed Lord of the French (I don't know what he means either) smirked as he walked in. "I have a headache, so you have to do it. He also wants the lawn mowed and the kitchen cleaned."  
Black Dragon ignored him. "Buzz off PK. You don't have a headache."  
"Dad said to do it."  
"Then Dad can tell me himself. If you're going to fake a headache to get out of chores, I'm not gonna make it easy for you to boss me around." He continued typing away.  
PK glared at his older brother. "If you don't do it, I'll tell Dad about the hentai stuff you have on your computer."  
"I don't HAVE any hentai stuff on my computer, dolt." BD deadpanned.  
PK grumbled to himself, his bluff having been called. "What're you doing?"  
"Stuff that doesn't concern you, twit." BD adjusted himself to block PK's view of the screen.  
Prism Knight simply moved around and kicked BD's office chair to the side. "Let me see! And stop calling me names!"  
BD forwent simply moving the younger boy, and kicked him in the knee before shoving him away from the computer. "Get out of my room! And I'll call you whatever I want!"  
PK growled and grabbed his older brother in a headlock, knocking off the author's glasses. "Don't hit me! I'll tell!"  
Black Dragon struggled for a bit, then managed to punch the little pest in the jaw before escaping the clumsy hold. "Fine! Tell! Just get out!" Putting his glasses back on, the turned back to his monitor, muttering darkly.  
PK fumed for a moment, his anger rising. Then he noticed that a half-empty can of soda was sitting on the edge of the desk. Feeling rather impulsive, not to mention spiteful, he smacked the Coke can onto the floor, spilling it all over the plush tan carpet and the surge protector that provided most of the electric outlets for various devices around the room.  
"HEY!!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" BD shot up and shoved his brother away, causing him to fall and hit his head on the drawer (one of the lighter injuries that his skull had sustained over the years). "You idiot! You got soda all over my surge protector! That's dangerous!" Unintentionally demonstrating that, the young author picked up a conveniently placed wet rag and began to mop up the liquid around the multitude of electric outlets.  
Not the stupidest thing he had ever done, but it would prove to be the last.  
*ZAAAAAK!!!* "GYAAAAAH!!!" *Thud*  
Black Dragon hit the carpeted floor completely insensate, smoke rising from his hair.  
  
Prism Knight, still nursing what looked like yet another concussion, stared with wide eyes at the sight of his brother, his only sibling, lying on the floor unconscious.  
"B-Black? Black? Hey, BD, you there?" Tentatively walking up to the charred victim, he used what little medical skills he had, and determined that there was indeed no pulse.  
"He... He's dead. I... I killed him..." PK stared hard at the corpse for a moment, then slowly stood up. Then he headed for his brother's dresser, a look of determination on his face.  
"Let's see... where is it... where is it..." PK muttered to himself as he rifled through the garbage that covered the wooden drawers, and his eyes lit up as he found the object of his quest.  
Opening up the wallet, he quickly slipped the bills out before tossing it haphazardly on the floor. "Sweet! He got paid yesterday! There must be almost three hundred dollars in here!" Idly wondering what to spend it on, Prism Knight left the room, making sure to close the door behind him.  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
As time passed, the smell of ozone fled Black Dragon's room through an air vent, and the time window for any type of resuscitation passed.  
And then, he awoke.  
BD found it strange, at first, that he would wake up from being zapped unconscious without feeling a thing, or even being particularly disoriented. His vision was a bit blurred, but he attributed that to not having his glasses.  
When the blurriness spontaneously cleared, he knew something was wrong.  
He felt lighter than air, as if he could float with sheer willpower. He felt tireless, as if the natural restrictions of a physical body no longer applied to him.  
"Either I've survived a freak accident and mysteriously been given incredible super powers..." he speculated, "or... I'm dead."  
He looked down, to see his body lying on the floor, charred and bloody.  
"Crap."  
"Yeah, gruesome, 'aint it?"  
BD whirled around at the light, hollow voice, and his eyes widened as he beheld a figure in a black cloak carrying a scythe. "You're... death?"  
"No, I'm Mary Poppins," the figure deadpanned. "Look, you've bitten the dust, and I'm here to take you to the afterlife. I go through this every friggin' day, the pay sucks, and the vacations are a joke. So let's just get on with it, okay? I don't have time for all that 'No, it's not my time, I can't be dead!' nonsense, capeesh?"  
"Okay, okay..." BD mumbled. "Can't be all bad though. I mean, you have pretty good job security, right?"  
"Damn straight," Death muttered, taking out a notepad and pen. "Lessee now... Black Dragon, eh? The things mother's name their kids, I swear."  
BD shrugged. "Eh, what's in a name? So, there really is an afterlife?"  
Death nodded. "Yup. Hmmm... that's funny. You're scheduled for 1997."  
Black Dragon blinked. "1997?! What took you jerks so long?!"  
Death shook his head, then pulled out some more papers from beneath his robe and looked them over. "Hold on, hold on... I see... four car accidents, with you riding your bicycle, two attacks by poisonous spiders that never quite made it, two failed suicide attempts, and a near-drowning."  
BD continued glaring at the ghastly manifestation. "Yes? Well?"  
The skeletal form shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you kid. Seems the higher-ups had it in for you, and you lucked out."  
BD snorted. "'Luck', he calls it." Then, one part of what the apparition said penetrated. "Wait... 'higher-ups'? You mean, like God?"  
"He prefers that people just call him 'Tom', but yeah."  
Black Dragon started to sweat as Death continued going over his files.  
"Okay... now to see if you're going to Heaven or Hell..." Somehow, Death managed to convey a rising eyebrow as he looked over a critical part of the application.  
"Atheist, huh?"  
BD gulped. "Well, not anymore. Is it too late to convert?"  
"Kinda. Sorry kid, but that's gonna hurt the final judgement." Death started humming "Death March" to himself as he looked over the other papers.  
"Ooh... repeated acts of violence, ill will against others, frequently took pleasure in the humiliation and misfortune of others..."  
"Psychiatrists call it 'adolescence'." BD noted.  
"...Meaningless killing of thousands of small animals, just for fun..."  
"If it was for fun, it's not meaningless is it?"  
"...And you plotted to destroy the planet."  
BD sweatdropped. "Okay, so I wasn't exactly a pacifist."  
"Plus you consistently mocked those that DID believe in Tom."  
"...Damn."  
"'Fraid so kid." Death finished, stuffing the papers back into his robes. "Judgement has been passed, and you lose. Let's go." Death turned around, and Black Dragon sighed and followed.  
*Foom!* All of a sudden, a light flashed in Death's hand, and a folder appeared between his skeletal fingers.  
"'Foom'? What kind of sound effect is 'Foom'?" BD muttered.  
"Shaddup." Death snapped, then opened it up. After reading a few lines, the apparition groaned and turned to his victim.  
"What the hell is this? You don't possess your soul?"  
BD blinked. "Huh?"  
"Your soul! It says here that you, meaning the spiritual manifestation of Black Dragon, is the property of someone named 'Darren'!"  
BD scratched his chin, then nodded as the memory came. "Oh yeah! I gave it to him Junior year! So what's the problem?"  
Death gripped his staff tightly. "Why the hell did you give your soul away?"  
BD shrugged. "I wasn't using it."  
Death groaned and scratched the top of his hood.  
"Look, what's the big problem?" BD asked, growing impatient. It was bad enough that he was going to go to Hell, he didn't want to have to wait too.  
"The PROBLEM is that your soul is the actual 'body' that's transferred to the afterlife. You gave your soul to this Darren guy, but you didn't sign in blood, so no actual spiritual transfer took place."  
BD blinked. "But..." he prompted.  
"BUT," Death snapped, "you DID sign in red pen, so the contract is still legally binding. Your soul, meaning your celestial form as you are now, belongs to this other guy. The thing is, he's not dead yet, and seeing how you are, there's no way to complete the transfer or get both of you into eternity. One of those needs to happen before we can do anything with your soul."  
Black Dragon sighed. "So I'm stuck. Figures. Even after I escape the accursed mortal coil, my luck is still dismal."  
"Yeah, well keep your bad luck offa me." Death muttered, and pulled out another clipboard. "Look, I can't just leave you here; my organization just finished routing out the last of those blasted ghosts and I'm gonna get it if they find out I left another one behind. So I'm gonna fill out an application for your spiritual entity and have you reassigned until this other kid kicks the bucket, capeesh?"  
"Reassigned? What do you mean?"  
Death looked up, and his pen hovered over a section of the form. "Well, currently we have two ludicrously convenient openings for you. One is to follow this kid Saotome around in an alternate universe, and help him find happiness. The other option is to be reincarnated as a reincarnation of a prince from a long dead civilization, given super powers and destined to get it on with this high school girl and help rule the planet."  
BD stared at him incredulously. "That second one wouldn't happen to involve a tuxedo and roses, would it?"  
Death nodded. "That, and a whole lot of paperwork. 'Reincarnations of reincarnated people' creates quite a mess in the karmic balance."  
Black Dragon sweatdropped. "I'll take the first one. And on a side note, this has to be the stupidest pretext to a self-insert I've ever seen."  
"Yeah, well, I didn't write it," Death muttered, then finished filling out the form. "Sign here, please." The apparition handed the young author a pen.  
Sighing at the poorly constructed plot devices that fate had handed him, BD took the instrument and signed the paper, which exploded into a thousand tiny motes of light as soon as he was done.  
BD turned toward Death. "So, what super-powers do I get?"  
Death blinked, though it was impossible for anyone else to tell. "Powers? What?"  
"Don't I get any powers? I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to get powers."  
Death snorted. "Give me a break. I have enough problems with accounting without wasting resources on nonsense like this."  
BD frowned. "You can't just drop me into a place full of incredibly powerful martial artists without giving the me capability to beat them all up!"  
"Why not?"  
BD opened his mouth, but nothing came out.  
Death sighed, his patience obviously wearing thin. "Look, I'll tell you what. I'll give you the ability to speak Japanese, okay?"  
BD stared. "You were going to put me into the Ranmaverse without language skills?"  
Death shrugged. "You'd adjust."  
"Nothing else?"  
"Well, as per the norm for anyone in Nerima, you'll be given almost nearly instantaneous recovery from grievous wounds, the ability to sustain ridiculous amounts of punishment without dying, and the ability to beat any entity, no matter how powerful, to a pulp, so long as you're part of an angry mob."  
"So... that's it?"  
"Yup. Good night." With that, Death raised his scythe, and smashed his client over the head with the blunt handle of the weapon.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
(Ranmaverse, before episode 1)  
"Whatsa matter Pop? We done already?" Ranma taunted the fallen martial artist as he stood one-legged upon his pole, feeling good that he had gotten his father back for dragging him to such a worthless training ground.  
*Goosh!* A panda with a torn, wet gi around it, and a pair of glasses on its head alighted on the bamboo pole opposite Ranma, taking up a traditional kempo stance.  
Ranma was understandably confused, and pointed at the creature. "What... How... But..."  
"Oh, too too bad. Sir fall into Spring of Drowned Panda. Very tragic story of panda that drown there 1,200 year ago! Now whoever fall into spring take body of panda! Is very cursed spring!"  
"What?! You never said anything about any curse!" Had Ranma been paying attention to his transformed father, he would have evaded the quick strike to his shoulder. Alas, he did not, and Genma, who had not yet realized that he had doubled in mass and shifted significantly in shape, took full advantage of the opening, sending his son careening into another spring.  
*Splash!*  
"Oh, too too bad. Young sir fall into Spring of Drowned Girl. Very tragic story of girl who drown there. Is very cursed spring!"  
The words of the Guide echoed in Ranma's head as he surfaced, and he immediately looked down at his chest. And his eyes bulged as he saw that suddenly, he had breasts.  
"Pop..." Ranma growled, and burst from the water.  
The panda started sweating as he became increasingly aware of the unfolding events taking place. Seeing how his only son had just been turned into his only daughter, and was understandably upset, Genma saw fit to give his new body a good test drive and ran for his life.  
  
The guide sighed to himself as the two customers ran off into the hills. 'They should be back,' he reasoned to himself. 'After all, they'll want to know if there's a cure.' With that, the portly Chinese man prepared to head back to his hut.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" *SPLASH!*  
The guide turned around, startled, as something fell into a spring behind him. From the length of the scream, and how loud the impact was, he supposed whoever it was must have fallen from a great distance up.  
It was easy to find the right spring, and he shook his head as he walked up to the small reptile that was struggling out of the pool.  
"Oh, very sorry... sir? Or ma'am, maybe? Anyway, you fall in Spring of Drowned lizard. Very tragic tale. Lizard drown. Spring is cursed, so now you lizard." The guide watched as the creature scrambled out of the water, and started looking around, showing none of the panicked disorientation of the usual victims. It was about a foot long, with pointed plated scales all around its body that shined blue and green with the sun.  
BD registered what the guide had said, and began looking around at the new world he had been (literally) dropped into. 'I'm cursed! And I'm a lizard! This is so cool!' He began to walk about a bit, and then looked up at the stout Chinese guide. The man was staring at him curiously as he towered overhead. 'I'm cursed... and I'm a lizard... this sucks.'  
"Ah, since you no run away, me tell you how curse work. You see, hot water change you into human once again, and cold water change to lizard. You understand?"  
The lizard nodded its head, so the guide proceeded to produce a kettle of hot water and dump its contents on the mysterious newcomer.  
It immediately grew into a young man, just a little older than the previous victim. He had dark hair somewhere between brown and pure black, and a skinny, feeble build.  
"Man, I swear, why do those jerks always have to warp you in 200 feet above the ground. Idiots." BD muttered to himself as he took a nearby bamboo pole, and dipped it into the deep waters of the spring, fishing for his clothes.  
"Ah, you very strange, no? Where you come from? Are you with other sirs?"  
BD lifted up the pole, retrieving his underwear and sweatpants. Despite both items being soaked, he slipped them on anyway. Better than being naked.  
"No, not really. Just happened by. Ah! There's my shirt!" BD dipped the pole back in, and lifted the garment up.  
After slipping on his plain white shirt, Black Dragon frowned into the pool. "Where is it..." He thrust the pole back in, and scraped around on the bottom of the spring with it. After a moment he lifted the pole back up, frowning again when nothing was on it.  
"Ah... sir, what you doing?" The guide asked curiously.  
"Looking for something." BD muttering, dropping the pole back in. After a moment, he caught a flash of light, and stabbed for it with the pole.  
The young author smiled in triumph as he lifted the pole back up, with a small golden amulet on the end of it. It portrayed a serpentine dragon roaring, with its snake-like body forming a crescent. Closer inpection revealed that it wasn't actually gold, as some of the cheap spray paint that colored it had been worn off at certain places.  
Nonetheless, the guide couldn't help but feel that the piece had some sort of great significance, especially with how this new individual was handling it.  
"Ah, sir, what that? Look very old."  
BD blinked, caught halfway in fastening the amulet around his neck. "What, this? Not really. My mother gave it to me."  
"Ah, is family heirloom then."  
"Nope. Las Vegas hotel, gift shop. Six bucks." The guide facefaulted.  
Because the guide had remained outside rather than going back to his hut, he was able to hear the cry of surprise coming from one of the cliffs above. Orienting on the noise, both men were able to see a figure plummeting down into the valley.  
"Oh no! Someone else fall in spring now! You save him, yes?" Surely the young man could catch the victim before he hit the water. After all, if he was here, he must be a martial artist, right?  
"Me? You've gotta be joking. Even if I could, I wouldn't." The guide looked on in confusion as Black Dragon smirked.  
*Splash!* Water burst upward as the hapless figure of one Ryoga Hibiki hit the surface of the spring, and the initial thrashing quickly shrank along with the lost boy. Within moments, a small black pig with a spotted bandanna pulled itself out of the spring, looking terribly confused.  
"*Sigh* You fall in spring of drowned pig. Very cursed. You pig now." The guide was getting quite tired of spouting the same dialogue over and over again.  
Both the guide and the pig were shaken out of their reveries when the third participant start bellowing in laughter.  
"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! That was awesome!! It's SO much funnier in person!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!"  
BD collapsed onto the ground as the guide stared on in absolute confusion. "Oh... sir, why you laugh?"  
Black Dragon stood up shakily, wiping a tear of mirth from his eyes. "Because the dolt deserves it, that's why. Ha! A pig!"  
Ryoga, still quite disoriented from the whole "changing into a pig" thing, started to twitch as he realized that someone he'd never met before was laughing at his misfortune. Not only that, but judging that he actually DESERVED to be a pig! Deciding to deal with the curse later, Ryoga leapt to the attack, which cut off Black Dragon's laughter quickly.  
"Ow! Hey, knock it off!" BD shook his arm painfully as the transformed lost boy bit into it, but to no avail. Then he tried punching it off with his other hand, which only got Ryoga angrier.  
Ryoga let go of BD's wrist, only to jump up and strike him in the head, almost knocking the older boy into yet another spring.  
"Oh, sirs! You no fight here, yes? Very dangerous!"  
"I don't WANT to fight! OW!!! Get it off! Get it off!"  
  
In the former plot line, Genma Saotome, still a panda, managed to get away from his vengeful son and pick up the hapless Ryoga, ignorant of the pig's true form. This time, however, he paused at the edge of the grounds to stare at the sight of a pig attacking a flailing human being, and didn't notice his son coming up from behind him, who had been attracted by the noise.  
*Wham!* The panda went flying into the forest surrounding the valley, and was swiftly forgotten by all present.  
Ranma walked back into Jusenkyou, muttering darkly about her father's stupidity, then she saw what was causing all the noise she had noticed before.  
"Get it off! Get it off!" Ryoga was now clamped onto Black Dragon's face, and looked to be trying to eat off his nose. Rolling her eyes, Ranma walked up to the struggling pair, and kicked the human in the shins, causing him to topple over. Easily prying the small animal off, Ranma drop-kicked it away.  
"Hey, are you okay?" Ranma asked, poking the young man with her foot.  
"No," BD groaned.  
Ranma snorted and started walking toward the guide. "Aw man, you should be ashamed of yourself. Getting beaten up by a pig."  
"It was a martial artist pig," BD protested into the ground.  
Ranma ignored him and pointed toward the guide. "There's gotta be some kind of cure, right?"  
The guide scratched his head. "Ah, hot water reverse curse, see?" He brought a hot kettle out from behind his back and started pouring it over Ranma's head.  
"Huh... I wonder if I can do that." BD tried pulling a kettle out from behind his back, and somehow ended up with a lit bomb. "Whoa! I pulled off a happodaikarin!"  
"Yes!" Ranma exalted as he patted himself down, confirming his gender. "Ha! Just hot water, eh? Not much of a curse..."  
The guide shook his head sadly. "Is only temporary, sir. You change ba-"  
*BOOM!!!* "Ow..."  
The guide frowned in the direction of the blackened author, and then turned back to Ranma. "As I saying, cold water change back to girl."  
"What?! You gotta be kidding me!" Ranma stomped on the ground furiously before dropping cross-legged onto the ground, fuming. "Pop is SO gonna get it when he comes back."  
"Medic..." BD was ignored.  
"Growf!"  
"Well, speak of the devil," Ranma muttered darkly. "Pop..."  
The panda bigsweated and backed up slightly.  
"Can I get a little help here?" Black Dragon tried to get up, and succeeded only in turning himself over so he was lying on his back rather than his stomach.  
The guide moved in front of Ranma, who was glaring darkly at the transformed martial artist. "Sirs, you no fight now, yes? Is very dangerous!" He produced yet another kettle, and spilled it over the panda, transforming it once more into the bane of Ranma's existence B.H. (Before Happousai).  
Ranma reluctantly nodded in agreement.  
The guide went on. "I take you to Joketzuzoku now; they know much about magic. Maybe they know way to help."  
Ranma and Genma looked at each other and nodded in agreement.  
"Please? Anybody?" Black Dragon craned his neck to look around, and noticed that everybody else was leaving. "Hey!" he yelled, jumping to his feet, "wait for me!" He began to run, and then, just as quickly, stopped in his tracks.  
"Wait a minute. Just a minute ago I couldn't move. Now I feel fine, but still have soot covering my face... this is so cool!!" He began to laugh to himself, and then realized that he was being left behind. "Wait up! I'm coming too!"  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma glared at the panda that followed her as they approached the Amazon village. The panda glared back.  
"This is all your fault, Pop," the redheaded girl spat.  
[My fault? You're the one that hit the boulder that released the stream!] Ranma had no idea where Genma had gotten all those wooden signs from, but he was starting to hate them. A Genma incapable of speech had been quite an attractive prospect, while it lasted.  
"How was I supposed to know that the boulder was plugging a river! It came out of nowhere! And YOU'RE the one that got us cursed in the first place! You and your stupid ideas!"  
Black Dragon followed from behind, in perfect step with the guide. He was not only still human, but had found a mirror from somewhere, and was admiring himself.  
"I look SO much better animated! It's incredible! My complexion cleared, my hair spiked out, and I can see without glasses! This is so COOL!!!"  
The guide shook his head sadly. He had thought that the martial artists were bad with their constant fighting, but at least they appeared to be sane. This fellow seemed convinced that his appearance changed dramatically since the last time he had looked.  
"Wait... where did I get this mirror? And how come I'm not burned any more?" He turned toward the guide. "Just what happened during the transition? I can't seem to remember exactly; just that there was a big rock and a mountain lion."  
"Me afraid stress of curse damage sir's mind," the guide muttered unhappily, "or did sir hit head on bottom of spring when he fall?"  
BD scratched his chin, considering it. "Could have. I get hit in the head a lot, so I usually don't keep track."  
The guide nodded in understanding. "Me suspect so. We see healer in village, see if she can repair brain, yes?"  
Ranma and Genma reached the open gates of the village and walked right in. The guide seemed confused as to why there was no one at the gates, but followed regardless, Black Dragon still at his side.  
  
Ranma and Genma stopped to look at a battle taking place upon a log suspended in the middle of the village square. The other two men approached from behind, and the guide nodded to himself as he realized what was going on.  
"Ah, we very lucky sir; today Amazon tournament in village. To win tournament is very big honor."  
Ranma and his father weren't listening at that point, however, as they had both noticed the table laden with food at the edge of the village. Genma ran for immediately, as Ranma started more slowly, paying slight attention to the battle.  
Black Dragon noticed, and nodded his head in determination. "All right, here's where it starts! In order to fix everything, I have to keep bad stuff like this from happening! First off, I must protect the prize from Ranma!"  
The guide stared at him. "Sir, why you talk to yourself?"  
"No time to chat now!" BD jumped ahead and grabbed Ranma's shoulder. "Wait! You can't eat that!"  
Ranma turned toward the odd fellow that had been following them since Jusenkyou. "Why not?"  
"It's..." BD stopped abruptly as he caught sight of the table himself. "It's... I mean... are those red grapes?"  
Ranma blinked, and turned toward the feast again. "Yeah. But it looks like it's just garnish for that fish."  
BD promptly passed the pigtailed girl, drooling as he imagined tearing into the feast himself. Ranma shrugged and took a seat.  
  
Shampoo threw her opponent off the log, and raised her arms in victory as a spontaneous cheer from the crowd rose and fell. She spent a little while soaking up the attention, then turned toward her prize-  
And nearly fell down as she witnessed a boy, a girl, and a panda shoveling it down with abandon.  
{"You there! What are you doing?!"} Shampoo shouted, running up to the first prize table.  
Ranma noticed that cute girl with the maces seemed to be shouting at them. Unfortunately, he didn't know a word of Chinese. "Yo, you know what she's saying?"  
BD looked up and quickly swallowed a chunk of fish. "Nope. *Chomp* *Chew* Though it probably has something to do with us eating the tournament's first prize."  
Ranma blinked. "OH... so THAT'S what the sign says, huh? Yeah, I'll bet she's probably mad about that." Ranma shoveled some yams into his mouth.  
Shampoo growled slightly at being basically ignored, and thrust a bonbori at the redheaded girl. She was the only girl in the group, after all, and looked to be the only fighter. The male looked as if he would lose a fight with a rough breeze.  
Ranma stared curiously at the teenage Amazon as she said something in Chinese, and then turned toward the guide when he cleared his throat.  
"Ah, sir, you must be punished for eating prize! That what she say to you."  
Ranma frowned. "Well, if it's the prize for the tournament, if I win the tournament, there's no problem, right?" Ranma grinned and got up from the bench.  
The guide translated for Shampoo, and the young champion smirked at the foolish outsider woman.  
BD stopped suddenly, a chicken drumstick halfway to his mouth. "Wait! This is my chance! I have the opportunity to change one of the major points of the Ranma 1/2 series around! All I have to do is stop him now!" The guide and Genma stared uncomfortably at the obviously insane boy as he dropped his food and turned away.  
"Ranma, wait!"  
*Thud!* Shampoo hit the ground, and the crowd fell silent as Ranma lowered her foot.  
BD sweatdropped. "Oops. Introspection took too long. Oh well. Wouldn't be as much fun without Shampoo anyway."  
Ranma hopped off the log, and tried not to smirk as her defeated opponent staggered to her feet. Then her half-smirk turned to an expression of confusion as the girl walked up to her, cupped her chin in her hands, and kissed her on the cheek.  
"Uh oh! Major plot divergence point!" Black Dragon quickly wracked his brain and made a decision, pulling a kettle out from behind his back.  
*Fsssssssssss!* Black Dragon bigsweated as the bomb fuse quickly burned down to nothing. "Damn it. Here! Catch!" BD tossed the bomb away, snickering slightly as one young woman proved dumb enough to actually catch the explosive as all the others dove away.  
Ignoring the following explosion, the displaced author searched the crowd for Ranma, sighing in exasperation when he realized that the girl and his father were already running for the hills next to the guide. Shampoo looked similarly ready to give chase, though there was some confusion due to the bomb that had literally come out of nowhere.  
"Well, no point in hanging around here." Running for the wall, BD grabbed a convenient bucket of water and doused himself.  
By the time the village leaders had arrived to learn what had happened and organize the chaos, Shampoo had already left to pursue her victim, and the only sign of the strange foreign male was a pile of clothes left haphazardly next to the village palisade.  
Nobody paid any notice to the lizard that scaled the wall with its short claws, save a single young warrior who caught a glint of light from the unique dragon necklace that it had looped around its neck. After shaking her head slightly to clear it, she looked back up to confirm that the reptile was actually wearing a necklace, but only saw a thin tail drop behind the wall as the creature reached the top and fell to the ground on the other side. She quickly dismissed it from her thoughts, convinced that she should lay off her breaking point training for a few weeks.  
  
Outside the village, Black Dragon tried to mutter to himself irritably as he thrashed on the ground, having landed on his head. Of course, he didn't have the vocal organs to make anything but a mild hissing sound, so he hissed in irritation for a moment before snatching up his fallen necklace in his mouth and scrambling away.  
'I'd better get moving. It's probably a long walk to the nearest port city. And an even longer swim to Japan.' He thought. 'Hey, I wonder what happened to Ryoga?'  
"Bweeeee!" True to form, said piglet broke through the underbrush at that very moment and fled, being followed by a hungry-looking feral cat a moment later.  
The cursed lost boy couldn't spare the time to concentrate on anything other than his immediate survival, but had he looked back, he would have noticed a lizard thrashing on the ground in what seemed like mute laughter.  
  
***********************************************************************  
End Chapter 1 


	2. The Arrival

Glitch  
a Ranma 1/2 self-insert fanfiction  
by Black Dragon  
  
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any adverse medical conditions that may come from reading this. If you are injured, crawl to someone who knows better as best you can, and then shout something prophetic and mysterious right before the oxygen to your brain lets out and you die. If you spontaneously catch on fire, stop, drop, and roll. I also do not own the characters I'm messing with.  
  
Glitch  
Chapter 2  
The Arrival  
***********************************************************************  
  
*WHOOOOOO!!* *WHOOOOOOO!!* The whistling foghorn marked the end of the freighter's long journey, and its many passengers began to disembark. One passenger in particular smiled darkly as she realized that she had finally reached her destination, and stopped sharpening her oversized scimitar.  
  
Outside the ship, a resting dock worker stared wide-eyed as a fairly large lizard crawled sluggishly out the cold ocean waters and climbed up onto the wooden dock. If he didn't know better (and he really didn't) he would've sworn that the reptile was gasping for air and coughing.  
'That's the last time I try swimming a major body of water,' Black Dragon thought as he tried to empty the last of the sea water from his tiny lungs. 'Especially as a an animal that was never designed to swim.' BD continued gulping in air as he crawled along the dock, his dragon medallion dragging behind him. 'Heck, if it wasn't for the chapter transition, I don't think I could've made it.'  
Suddenly, he stopped. 'Wait a minute. How DID I make it? It doesn't even seem possible…' His tiny lizard eyes widened. 'Have I stumbled across the ultimate secret of anime? Are scene and chapter transitions truly the key to-'  
*Squish*  
Shampoo blinked, then looked down at her feet, only to grimace when she saw what she had stepped on. She peeled the reptile's head off the sole of her shoe, and then held it up by its tail.  
"Is strange lizard, that sure," she observed. After all, how many reptiles crawled around with medallions wrapped around their necks?  
She frowned slightly as she remembered the last place she had seen that medallion. "So, Ranma friend make it back. He get attack by lizard?" She wondered aloud. It seemed rather unlikely, as reptiles typically avoided people, and certainly didn't steal their property afterwards. Besides, this one certainly didn't seem big enough to harm anybody.  
'Still, it's the best clue I have so far,' Shampoo thought, and began to unwrap the gold-painted medallion from the creature's neck.  
As soon as the animal realized what she was doing, however, it began to thrash about mightily. Shampoo frowned, and then simply ripped the medallion free with a single swift tug.  
The lizard continued to thrash about, this time in the direction of its stolen necklace.  
Shampoo stared for a while, then shook her head as she tossed the irritating reptile behind her. "What you problem?" she muttered, and held up the medallion in the light.  
*Chomp* The Amazon girl's eye twitched as she felt a mild stinging in her heel, and she looked down to find the reptilian owner of the necklace gnawing on her shin.  
*Wham!* *Smash!* *Bam!*  
Snorting, Shampoo removed her bonbori from the flattened creature, then watched smugly to see if it would get up again.  
She raised an eyebrow when it did, and began looking around for some reason. It's vision locked onto a nearby woman who was sipping tea on a pier, and scrambled for her.  
The woman didn't really pay any mind to the small animal, at least until it jumped onto her leg.  
"EEEEEEEK!!! GET IT OFF!!!"  
Shampoo sweatdropped as she watched the woman thrash about in a panic, tossing the small creature off of her, and in a remarkable twist of circumstance, dropping her tea right on top of it.  
"Hot! Ow! Geez!" The humiliated author groaned and rubbed his head, which was no better for the assault of an Amazon mace. That finished, he looked up toward the gaping, wide-eyed woman. "Thanks for the tea. And watch the high heels, would you?"  
The woman didn't move, still recovering from the shock of seeing a lizard spontaneously transform into a full-sized, and quite naked teenage boy.  
Unfortunately, Black Dragon didn't manage to escape before the she finished.  
"EEEEEEEK!!! PERVERT!!!" BD wondered, not for the first time, just how many women in this world had the skill and focus (if, in fact, such things were required) to hide an oversized mallet on their person so well.  
*WHAM!!!*  
"Owie…" BD felt obligated to make pained noises as the woman scampered away, having completed her small, meaningless role as a plausible source of hot water, and an unappreciated stint of physical humor.  
As his cognitive resources realigned themselves, he realized that Shampoo was standing over him, apparently unconcerned with his nakedness.  
"So, is you."  
BD blinked. "Yes. Is me."  
*Wham!* It wasn't a mallet strike, but it was no less painful.  
"You no make fun of Shampoo talk!"  
"Yes ma'am," he muttered.  
"You fall into Jusenkyou?" Shampoo put her bonbori back into the "interdimensional, ever-present, invisible pocket of boundless storage capacity" and glared down at the author.  
Black Dragon sat up, moving his hands to cover his private parts. "Yeah. Lizard spring. Can I have my necklace back now?"  
Shampoo nodded and tossed it to him, then crossed her arms in front of her. "You know where Ranma be?"  
Black Dragon grabbed the medallion with one hand, then turned around as he put it on in a pointless attempt at modesty.  
After he was sure that the clip was secure, he cupped his chin in his hand. "Well, judging how you just got here, I'd say that we're a little bit into the original TV series."  
Shampoo blinked. "What you talking?"  
BD ignored her. "Thus, if my intuition and authorative omnipotence is correct, we probably arrived right after Ryoga found and lost his first official duel against Ranma. Meaning that Akane's hair is short now. Meaning I missed my chance to change things so that the bandanna cuts right through her skull. *Sigh* Man, I don't think I'm ever gonna get to change anything."  
Shampoo sweatdropped and turned away, sighing. "Great. Why Shampoo get stuck with insane man to help?"  
Seeing how his sanity had already been called into question, Black Dragon stood up, raising one fist in front of him (while keeping his other hand over his groin). "Come Shampoo! Help me with my quest, and I shall assist you in yours! And together, we shall change the course of the vague central plotline!"  
Shampoo's sweatdrop grew. "Shampoo think about it. First, insane man should get clothes on."  
BD smirked. "Call me 'author'…" Then he looked around. "Uhm, speaking of clothes, where do I get some?"  
"You mean you no have spare?" Shampoo asked.  
"Of course not!" BD shouted incredulously, "Do I LOOK like I'm carrying… oh… right."  
Shampoo rolled her eyes and walked away, wondering to herself if she should kill this guy too, just as a public service.  
BD concentrated, focusing his mind on his usual combination of clothing. "All right, this time for sure!" Reaching behind him, he grabbed for some clothes.  
Black Dragon blinked. In his hand was a large wooden mallet with a barrel-shaped, oversized head. "I guess it DOESN'T take skill or focus."  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"Already, things change. He is influencing them; he simply does not realize it." A mysterious figure sat around a table with two others, each of them facing a Sony 32" TV with a built-in VCR.  
"The Creator's power is waning, but his influence grows. Elements are breaking through the barrier of real and phantasmal. Forces assemble to oppose him. The Child's power grows, unaware." The second figure sat perfectly still as he spoke, leaving some small doubt that he had actually spoken at all.  
The first figure nods. "Indeed. Do you think he will succeed? Those he must face will prove formidable."  
The third figure yawned deeply, completely shattering the ambiance of mysticism. "Are we done now? I rented 'Die Hard'!"  
"Damn it!" The first figure growled, "Would you knock it off! You're ruining it!"  
"Ruining what?"  
"The atmosphere, dolt!"  
"You're the one calling me names!"  
"Fighting among the great ones escalates. Thunder clouds shake in the distance. The clock ticks; merely two more sunsets until it's due back at Blockbuster." Again, the second figure didn't budge.  
"You too! Just stop it! Seriously!"  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Black Dragon dropped the pile of dry sticks into the fire pit made of rocks, and began clapping his hands to remove the dirt and bark.  
Then he stopped, and slowly looked down at himself.  
"My clothes are back? What the hell?" Sure enough, he was wearing a black shirt with a large dragon emblem on it, along with heavy black sweatpants and hiking boots. "Not bad either."  
Shampoo shook her head, wondering if she wouldn't be better off without the young man in front of her. Then she banished that idea, thinking the better of it. His apparent insanity was annoying, as well as vaguely disturbing, but he did claim to know where Ranma was, and she had discovered that he felt a natural obligation to do whatever he was told. He had set up the entire camp at her instruction.  
"Where did I find a second tent for myself anyway? Is that a rolled up sleeping bag next to it?" He shuddered slightly. Was this the power of scene transitions? Why, if he could harness this, he could alter worlds!  
"Author light match or what?" Shampoo asked tiredly.  
BD blinked. "Oh, right. Sorry." Reaching for a match, BD pulled a single AA battery from hammerspace.  
"Damn it," BD muttered, "I think I'm starting to see a pattern here…"  
Shampoo sighed and produced a match herself, striking it against one of the larger branches and holding it to the dry leaves, which lit instantly.  
Black Dragon continued muttering to himself about mathematical probability and possible quantum laws that may affect the spontaneous creation of matter, given that it was obviously possible. Shampoo tired of it quickly, and cut him off.  
"Author have kettle, at least?" She asked, hands on her hips.  
BD blinked, then frowned. "Hmmmm… let me see…"  
*Fsssssssss* Sure enough, the misplaced otaku found a lit bomb in his hand when he tried to produce the piece of kitchenware.  
"Well, at least I know it's not random," he mumbled, just as the fuse burned down to nothing.  
  
Shampoo ignored the following explosion completely, having walked away to her tent to get her book of Amazon Law. She figured she might need it in the upcoming discussion of Ranma's whereabouts and ultimate fate (providing that Black Dragon had survived the detonation).  
She was pleased to see that he was still quite alive, and even conscious as he sat cross-legged in the blackened crater to the side of the fire, covered in soot to the point that his face and arms matched his clothes.  
"Hmmmm… that wasn't as bad as last time. I must be getting tougher already." He seemed pleased with this, and Shampoo rolled her eyes.  
"Now we talk about Ranma, yes?" Shampoo asked, sitting down.  
BD nodded, his face completely serious. "Of course. First of all, I must reveal the nature of the redheaded girl you saw. You see, you shouldn't kill her because-"  
Shampoo cut him off. "Shampoo must kill. That is Amazon Law. It say that woman who beat Amazon warrior in fight-"  
"-Gets knocked off by the Amazon warrior later," BD finished, cutting Shampoo off in return. "Though I'd like to know just how the Amazons have survived for so long with laws like that, for now there are more important issues. Ranma isn't a girl."  
Shampoo blinked. Then she remembered how unstable this guy was in the head.  
"Ranma is girl. Trust Shampoo."  
BD smirked, shaking his head. "You don't understand. Ranma's a man. He, like myself, is a victim of Jusenkyou!" BD shouted out the last word, pointing a finger in Shampoo's face.  
Shampoo frowned. Jusenkyou? "You… is you sure?" She couldn't help but gasp a little bit as she asked. Sure, there was a fair chance that the insane maniac before her was making this up, or perhaps delusional, but she couldn't deny that it was a possibility, and that the possibility had some very real consequences.  
Black Dragon nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "Yes, I'm sure. I saw him take the plunge into the Spring of Drowned Girl myself, and his father into the Spring of Drowned Panda. Why do you think that panda was traveling with us, walking upright, and eating like a person?"  
"It just seem like strange detail to ignore." She admitted.  
BD clicked his tongue. "No, no. But listen! I know of the other law as well, and wish for you to know; Ranma needs your help!"  
Shampoo blinked. "He do?" It didn't seem so much that he'd need her as it did the other way around.  
"Yes! Don't despair at his rejection, for you DID spend the first few episodes you were in trying to kill him! And don't fear his anger, for he's really a nice, forgiving guy. Not to mention kind of airheaded. But anyway, you must pursue this matter with all due haste!" Black Dragon's voice rose, and he pointed off into the distance.  
Shampoo bit her lower lip, then nodded, determination clear in her eyes. It was a bit disorienting, as the heavy weight of duty and wet promise of blood was replaced by a light fluttering in her chest, but at the same time, she felt renewed as dark anger was replaced by eager anticipation. "Where Ranma?"  
BD's expression darkened. "Ranma currently resides in the Tendo Dojo in Nerima, which I'm assuming is somewhere in Japan."  
Shampoo sweatdropped. "That not very helpful."  
He smirked. "Don't worry. With the name of his residence, we can find it during over the next scene transition, easy. Anyway, judging by how Kodachi is walking by with that cloak hiding her, we're somewhere in the rhythmic gymnastics story arc."  
Shampoo blinked again, then looked at the figure walking along the street across from the park, who was clearly drawing everyone's attention. "Who she?"  
Black Dragon smiled. "She's just a saboteur. Well, a main character, actually, but not that important. Though seeing how I could possibly kill myself in an attempt to produce a map of the area, she's also your best bet to finding the Tendo home."  
Shampoo nodded, her violet eyes burning with determination and energy. "Right!"  
*Splash* BD blinked as water poured over him, and then blinked again as his vision faded into darkness.  
Shampoo jabbed a hole in the light tin bucket with a finger, then placed a rock on the upturned container, preventing the author from escaping. She didn't really want to do this, but she had a feeling that this man had more information than he was divulging now. And while she didn't have time to stay and wring him for his knowledge, she could at least make sure that he'd be there when she got back.  
  
As the Amazon girl ran off after the psychotic gymnastics girl, Black Dragon rested his small reptile body flat on the ground, thinking.  
'Wow, I wasn't expecting that at all… this kind of sucks. A lot.'  
If lizards had lips, though, this one's would have been curling into a smile. Raising his head, his eyes focused on the small air hole which allowed light into the tin prison.  
'Ha! Foolish girl! This is nothing! With enough work, I will escape this easily!'  
Then he rested his head back on the ground. 'Work which will take place between scenes.'  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma bounced the gymnastics ball in his hand, then spun it up onto a single finger as he lazily regarded the smirking figure across the pond from him.  
"You might as well give it up, you know. There's no way she's gonna win. You're not doing anybody any favors."  
Ryoga smirked some more, turning toward his hated enemy. "Male jealousy is such a sad thing to see."  
Ranma stopped spinning the ball, and gripped it in his hand. "What?!" he growled. 'Male jealousy?! I'm serious here! There's no way she can win!'  
Suddenly, Akane's voice came from above, grabbing both boys' attention.  
"P-chan! Where are you? It's time for bed!"  
Ranma blinked, and to his side, Ryoga grinned before jumping for the pond.  
"Hey, what're you…" Ranma trailed off as he watched Ryoga's pig form crawl out from under his wet clothes, and realization came.  
"Oh, no you don't! Think you're gonna sleep in Akane's bed again, do you?" Jumping up, Ranma hurled the ball toward the small cursed animal, growling as the nimble piglet managed to dodge away from the projectile.  
Ryoga scampered past the bouncing sphere, then stopped to turn around and stick his tiny pink tongue out at the pigtailed boy.  
Ranma's eye twitched. "Why you little…"  
Ryoga snorted noisily, then turned away as he prepared himself for a chase…  
  
*Moosh*  
Only to find himself being used as a landing pad for two heavy boots that bore down on him without concern for the welfare of the squashed lost boy.  
Ranma blinked and stepped back, having quickly gone from angry to confused.  
The man that was now standing on Ryoga was just a bit taller than him, and sported the same type of pigtail that he did. Though the darkness of the evening obscured his face in shadows, Ranma could make out that he was wearing a thick vest under a light jacket, and had some sort of gauntlet on his left arm with wires sticking out of it. His dark pants were held up by a belt which had several items of various shapes strapped to it.  
He turned to look at Ranma slowly, and raised an eyebrow. With a clearer, though still obscured view of his face, Ranma could make out some sort of metal object attached over his ear.  
Ranma moved into a defensive stance. "Who-?"  
He was interrupted as two typically unremarkable men without any distinguishing characteristics ran out from behind him, shouting as they went.  
"There he is!"  
"It's the space dude! Get him!"  
Eyes narrowing, the mysterious figure turned and fled, easily clearing the Tendo's property fence and leaping onto the neighbor's roof.  
  
Ranma watched the two faceless extras climb over the fence after the figure, and sweatdropped heavily.  
"O-kay…" Shrugging, Ranma picked the dazed Ryoga off the ground. "All right pork-for-brains, you and me are going to take a bath. And then we're going to have a little talk." Ryoga tried to struggle frantically, but Ranma's grip held firm.  
Ranma smirked. "Looks like I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson about respectin' women and people's trust." Whistling to himself as he walked, Ranma tightened his grip on Ryoga until the piglet had to stop thrashing for lack of air.  
*Wham!*  
Ranma stopped suddenly, and turned toward Akane's room. "What's that? Akane?"  
*Bam!*  
Ranma frowned, and was about to leap up to her window, but suddenly stopped.  
"…… Nah. She'll probably just hit me, anyway."  
Thus, he turned around and returned to his room, pig in hand. He never saw Kodachi leap from Akane's bedroom window, laughing as she threw black rose petals across the yard, nor did he see Shampoo, who had watched the whole scene from a nearby tree, concealed within the web of branches and leaves.  
Shampoo frowned, and picked a rose petal out of her hair as the captain of St. Hebereke's gymnastics team fled the scene from above. However, she wasn't concerned with the unstable gymnast at the moment. With an uncertain shake of her head, Shampoo launched herself away from the dojo and back towards her camp.  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Black Dragon's left eye twitched, still cloaked in the darkness of the upturned bucket.  
'%*&$! It didn't work? What the *&%^? What does it take to get a #$!&()% break around here?! And who the #$%^ keeps &#^%!$^ censoring my $^&%*!# words?!'  
The author fumed to himself within his steel prison, contemplating this turn of events, or lack thereof.  
'Well, so much for scene transitions. I was sure that would work... okay, what's next? Do subspace pockets still work?' He looked down at the thin, bony fingers that comprised his hand. 'Not even opposable fingers. Nuts. So much for drawing items out of thin air. What's left?'  
"Hello? Author still here?" Shampoo lifted up the bucket, smiling pleasantly into the somewhat cute glare of the little creature underneath. "Sorry for trapping. Shampoo need Author stay here for now. Shampoo think Author right about Ranma, but Author know more than tell, is true?"  
BD glared at her a bit more, then turned his head away and upward pointedly in a clear gesture of refusal.  
Shampoo poked him in the back. "Author no be like that! You help Shampoo?"  
Giving a little sigh, BD rolled his eyes and nodded his head.  
Shampoo smiled brightly. "So happy! Shampoo thank!" *Clunk* And with that, she dropped the bucket back on top of the transformed man.  
Stretching luxuriously, Shampoo headed towards her tent for a comfortable night's sleep, taking Black Dragon's unused bedroll for extra padding on the way. After all, it wasn't like he'd need it.  
Under the bucket. Black Dragon continued fuming. 'It's gonna be a LONG night.'  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"Whoa, that was actually pretty fast," BD remarked, tearing off a piece of bread for himself and chewing on it slowly.  
Then he stopped. "Wait a minute..." He looked down at himself. He was free, human, and fully clothed to boot. He looked at the bucket that had been his prison, which was turned onto its side next to the campfire. Shampoo sat next to the campfire, eating her own breakfast quietly.  
The Amazon girl blinked and looked behind her as her companion stood up, looking incredibly annoyed and confused at the same time.  
"What the bloody hell happened last night? You just drop the bucket on me, and now it's morning? That was what, two, three lines?"  
Shampoo rolled her eyes tiredly. "You talk that again? What Author problem?"  
"Seriously," he shouted, "I've gotta get a script or something! I don't know what the heck I'm even doing!"  
"What it matter?" Shampoo asked, still unable to fathom what the problem was.  
"I matters to me..." BD muttered, dropping back onto the ground, cross-legged.  
Shampoo swallowed the last of her food, then turned toward the American boy. "Okay. Now Shampoo want know about Ranma."  
Black Dragon nodded. "Of course. Ranma Saotome is a master martial artist currently residing in the Tendo Dojo. You knew that. Right. Uh..." BD scratched his head. "Lessee... he's currently engaged to Akane Tendo, which was arranged by their parents."  
"What you say?!" Shampoo shouted, "Airen marry other girl?"  
BD nodded somberly. "And a real &!^(# too. Hmm... there it goes again. Anyway, he doesn't want to marry her, and she doesn't want to marry him, but they're kind of stuck together. That's the plot, anyway. Don't think much of it. Anyway, when you meet up with Ranma, don't try to kill anyone. At least not in front of him. It's a bit of a turn-off."  
Shampoo frowned, considering.  
"Oh, and let's be smart about this whole change of laws thing, okay? The guy spent a long time running away from you in fear of his life, and he thinks you don't recognize his male form. On top of that, he thinks that if you figure it out, you'll just try to kill him all the time."  
Shampoo nodded slowly in understanding. "Shampoo understand. What you suggest?"  
BD shrugged. "I dunno. My skills more fall in the area of just determining what's already happened. Oh, and don't try and seduce him either. That's a no-no."  
Shampoo blinked. "What 'seduce' mean?"  
"Ask me again when you're older," the author confided.  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"Oh Akane!! Are you okay?! Speak to me!!" Soun wailed uncontrollably, causing everyone present to sweatdrop heavily.  
"Oh Daddy, she just took a bad hit. She's not mortally wounded." Nabiki sighed heavily, noting that her observation did little to stay Soun's tears.  
"That no-good cheater! Attacking me at night like that!" Akane fumed, and then winced as it increased the throbbing in his head.  
Ranma shrugged. "True enough. Though I don't know if you woulda done any better in the ring."  
The pigtailed boy blinked and flinched back as he was suddenly subjected to the full-power auras of Soun and Ryoga towering over him.  
"RAAAANMAAAAA!!! WHY WEREN'T YOU PROTECTING HER?!?!" Soun snarled, subjecting the boy to his full demon head.  
"How dare you leave Akane all alone like that?! Ranmaaaa!!"  
Ranma started scooting back on his rear, waving his hands in front of him. "Hey! Whoa! Look who's talking! Where were you two, huh? Why do I gotta protect her all the time?!"  
"Dad! Ryoga!" Akane shouted, flushing. "I don't need Ranma! I can protect myself!"  
"Y-Yeah, see? She don't need my help!"  
Nabiki smirked as Kasumi shook her head. "Bold words Akane, but I think your leg and skull say otherwise."  
Kasumi finished wrapping Akane's head as Soun and Ryoga lunged for Ranma behind them. "Your head isn't so bad Akane, but your leg won't heal very easily. Still, if you go to Dr. Tofu, you should be better in time for the match."  
Akane nodded, smiling in determination. "Okay! I'll show that cheater who's boss!"  
Nabiki rose her eyebrow. "Oh? So who beat who last night? And it might be hard to practice with your leg like that."  
"Who asked you?" Akane muttered, and then her eyes narrowed at the dust cloud that formed from Soun and Ryoga attempting to maul Ranma.  
Stepping up to the skirmish, she took a deep breath, and then kicked into the melee, pegging Ranma in the back and sending him flying into the wall opposite her bed. Soun and Ryoga both blinked in surprise, freezing in place. Akane glared down at them.  
"Would you knock it off?! I don't need protection! And especially not from Ranma!"  
Ranma pulled his head out of the wall. "See? See? Why should I protect her if she doesn't want it?"  
"If you had been there, that girl wouldn't have hurt Akane!" Ryoga growled.  
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "And where were you, eh P-chan? I mean, who is it who normally watches over Akane when she sleeps?"  
Ryoga began twitching, his aura burning even brighter. "It's because of YOU that I wasn't-" Ryoga's hands suddenly clamped his own mouth shut, and he froze as he realized what he had almost admitted.  
Before anyone could ask what Ranma was talking about, Soun yanked him out of the wall. "Well, from now on, YOU will be the one to watch over Akane when she's sleeping."  
Ranma and Akane's eyes widened. "WHAT!?!?!?"  
"There is no WAY I'm letting that pervert stay in my room!!"  
Ranma didn't feel it was necessary to add much to that. "Yeah! Are you crazy!?" Then he turned toward Akane. "And I'm no pervert!"  
"Yeah right! I'll bet you'd jump at the chance to stay in my room!"  
"Idiot! I have a chance right now! Do I look like I'm jumping?!"  
Soun coughed loudly. "It is a man's duty to protect his fiancee. You have no choice."  
Ranma just covered his eyes with his hands in mortification, wondering how his life had come to this. Then he clocked Ryoga in the face before the lost boy could strangle him from behind. "Don't even start P-chan! This 'aint my fault!"  
Ryoga looked quite ready to argue the point, but was cleanly interrupted.  
Akane was beyond furious at this point. She was mad, embarrassed, and more than a little humiliated. Worse yet, she didn't have a direct focus for her anger. She knew that Ranma was part of the problem, yet she wasn't sure if Ranma had actually done anything WRONG. In fact, a brief and simple understanding of the situation would suggest that he was, if anything, on her side.  
But that hadn't stopped her before.  
"Well then, if that's how it is, then this engagement is as good as OVER!!" She grabbed up a confused Ranma by the collar, who blinked in surprise. "And YOU stay the HELL away from me!!"  
*Smash!!* Nabiki, Kasumi, and Soun all winced as the Ranma-shaped impression in the wall became a hole.  
  
Ranma slowly picked himself off the floor. "Well, that's fine by me! In fact, that's great! I don't need to be hanging around you all the time anyway! If we 'aint engaged, then there's no problem, right?!" Rubbing his head, he realized that no one was paying attention to him. Soun was begging Akane to reconsider her decision, Nabiki was wondering aloud if Akane would fare any better now that Ranma wasn't even allowed near her, and Kasumi was still tending her little sister's wounds.  
Ranma twitched for a moment, then fumed and stalked away from Akane's room.  
"Stupid uncute tomboy. How's it my fault? She said herself she didn't want me around..."  
Ranma stopped suddenly, and his breath halted. Frowning, he jogged lightly to the window, and then grabbed the top of the sill and flipped upward, launching himself for the roof.  
"Who's there?!"  
  
Ranma reflected upon the wisdom of patience and stealth as he landed on the room of the Tendo home, his eyes wide at what he saw.  
'It's Shampoo! Jeez! What the heck is she doing here?!' "Uh... hi."  
Shampoo smiled at the wide-eyed boy pleasantly. "Nihao."  
Behind Shampoo, Black Dragon wondered just how he had gotten on the Tendo roof in the first place. "There's no ladder or anything! What the heck?! Did I just climb the wall, or what?"  
Ranma sweated heavily. 'She doesn't know I'm a guy. I'm safe. For now.' "Uh... so, who are you?"  
Shampoo smirked. Then her expression became more somber. "Shampoo want you hear this. Shampoo give up kill girl Ranma."  
Ranma blinked, confused. She was giving up on killing him? That was good, but why was she telling him? As far as he knew, Shampoo had never even seen his boy form before.  
'Wait a minute. GIRL Ranma? She's only given up on killing GIRL Ranma?!'  
"Shampoo tell you that-"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Ranma jumped away from the roof, landing unsteadily on a neighbor's house. Then he fled as quickly as could along the rooftops, cursing his father under his breath for ever taking him to China.  
  
Shampoo sweatdropped, left staring at the dust cloud kicked up from Ranma's retreat.  
"Smooth," Black Dragon muttered, throwing cautious glances over the edge of the roof.  
*Shove* "AAAUGH!!!" *Thud!* "Ow......"  
Shampoo hopped lightly off of the roof of the Tendo home, shaking her head sadly. This guy couldn't even fall off a roof without hurting himself. What a weakling.  
"When... will... the hurting... stop..." BD mumbled, twitching.  
Shampoo cleared her throat. "You listen now. Ranma be afraid Shampoo kill; not let Shampoo talk now. So you talk to Ranma."  
"Why me?" BD groaned.  
"Because this your idea in first place!" She insisted.  
Black Dragon crossed his arms over his chest, despite still lying on his back on the ground. "But YOU were the one who screwed it up."  
Shampoo frowned at that. "Okay... you do, because Shampoo can beat stupid head into ground."  
"Yes ma'am," BD said, sitting up. "I'll get right on it!"  
BD began to jog away, but stopped suddenly. He frowned in thought for a moment, and then jogged back to Shampoo. "Hit me."  
Shampoo blinked. "What?"  
Black Dragon pointed to his chin. "Hit me as hard as you can. Right here."  
A huge sweatdrop rolled down Shampoo's head. "Why you ask Shampoo do this?"  
BD shook his head slowly. "Because, obviously, the force of your punch will propel me high into the air, launching me a great distance in the shortest possible measure of time. It's probably the quickest method of transportation I have available to me. And besides that, everyone knows that whenever someone gets smashed a long distance, they always end up in the next scene of importance, whether on impact, or on the way back."  
Shampoo's sweatdrop did not disappear. "Author very stupid, yes?"  
Black Dragon glared at her. "You gonna hit me or not? Don't make me insult you. It'll hurt me a lot more then."  
Shampoo blinked, trying hard to keep up with the train of illogic. "What Shampoo care?"  
"A good question!" BD shouted, leaning forward. Then he lowered his voice. "Or IS it?"  
Shampoo stared mutely, totally unable to think of what to say to that. When twenty more seconds passed and she was still unable to think of anything to say, she finally took aim and pulled her arm back.  
*Pow!!*  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"Wow. That hurt a LOT more than I thought," Black Dragon mused, sailing high into the air among the clouds.  
He felt his momentum start to die, and twisted his head to look at the ground.  
"Whoa! It's like looking at a city model or something! This is awesome!"  
Then, he felt a slight sinking feeling as he started his descent.  
"Okay... maybe this isn't that cool after all." BD's speed continued building as he plummeted downward.  
"Actually... this kind of sucks." *Thwap!* The misplaced author winced as he smashed a small bird out of the sky. "You know, now would be an excellent time to start screaming like a little girl."  
The decision made, BD started suiting actions to words.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa..."  
*Gasp*  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
*WHAAM!!!* Dust blew up in a thick cloud as the young man hit the ground hard, splitting the hard-packed dirt below.  
"......... Wow. I'm still alive." BD staggered to his feet, and coughed up some dust as he checked himself over for injuries. "Huh. Didn't even hurt that much. I must be getting tougher already!"  
*Groan...*  
The misplaced author blinked as he heard a noise below him, and then looked down at the mangled body in the center of the small impact crater.  
"Darn. It's not Ranma. That means I'm still gonna have to look for him." BD scratched his chin, and then started looking around. "Well, it looks like I landed at Furinkan. Hope something important happens soon."  
"Hey," BD's landing pad moaned weakly, trying to struggle to his feet.  
The author crossed his arms over his chest. "Would Ranma come here if he feared for his life? I don't see why."  
The man in the crater managed to position his arms so he could push his body up. "Cou-Could you g-give me a hand here?"  
Black Dragon shook his head. "Nah, he'd probably hide at Tofu's or something. It's really the only other part of Nerima Ranma's really familiar with."  
"Hey!" The crushed man shouted, glaring at the young man in front of him as he rose unsteadily to his feet.  
BD looked back at him, annoyed. "What do you want?"  
His eye twitched. "Who do you think you are, coming out of nowhere and landing on me?! And then not even helping me up!"  
BD rolled his eyes. "Wah. Boo hoo. Is that all? If you like, I can not care about more of your insignificant little 'issues'."  
The man grit his teeth. "Do you have any idea who I am?"  
BD turned away, shrugging. "Do you have any idea how utterly unimportant that is to me? I mean, look at you. No meaningful characterization, no buildup to your appearance, not even a short physical description! I have no time for one-shot characters." He started to walk away.  
*Thwack!* "Ow!" BD pitched forward as something smacked into his head, and he fell face-first into the ground.  
Growling, BD pushed himself to his feet, only to stop when he saw what it was that hit him. "A ruler?"  
He looked back at the man who had thrown the projectile. "What the hell was that?!"  
The man glared back at him. "My name is Taijo Yu, and in the name of the Furinkan administration, and the Ruler branch of the Edu-Kei-Ken School of Martial Arts, you will be punished for your insolence!"  
BD blinked. "Edu-Kei-Ken? Rulers? Sounds like a pretty poor school to me. What're you gonna do, slap me with a meter stick?" BD chuckled to himself, smirking.  
That smirk disappeared real quick when his opponent pulled a meter stick out from behind his back and twirled it around in one hand. Making a fist with his other hand, Taijo flexed his fingers, causing three rulers to flip out between his fingers, like Ninja did with throwing knives.  
"Whoa... if this wasn't so dorky looking, I'd be really scared right now."  
A vein popped up on the teacher's forehead. "In the name of educator's everywhere, discipline MUST be administered!"  
"Heh. What, do I have to go stand in the corner?" *Whack!!* "Ow! Hey!" *Thwack!!* "Ugh! My kidneys!!" *Thwack!* *Pow!* *Smack!* "Leave me alone! Uncle! Uncle!"  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"Okay, so you see, once the plot line diverges from canon, other elements not directly impacted by the divergence cannot help but be changed or manipulated. It's like when you throw a rock into a pond. The rock goes mostly in the direction it hits, but the ripples spread everywhere," Death explained.  
Ranma nodded slowly, taking another bite of her ice cream. "Makes sense. But I still have to wonder what the purpose of this scene is."  
Death shrugged. "Editing mistake, I suspect. Which would go some way toward explaining why you're a girl right now. I'm pretty certain this scene is supposed to detail Ryoga's plans to fix the St. Hebereke match in Akane's favor."  
Ranma nodded. "I guess we needed a scene transition or something. Can I ask you a question though?"  
"Shoot."  
"Do I have fourth-wall consciousness or not?" Ranma asked, scratching her head. "I can't figure out if I'm supposed to know if I'm in a fic or not."  
Death raised a skeletal finger and scratched the top of his hood. "I don't think so. Check the script."  
Ranma blinked. "We have a script?"  
At that moment, a waitress walked up to Ranma and Death's table, carrying a sundae.  
"Here you are, sir. Have a good day." The waitress intoned hollowly, and then turned around.  
Death cleared his throat loudly, which had the distinct sound of a rock being blasted out of a car exhaust tube. "I asked for no nuts."  
The waitress rolled her eyes. "Sorry sir. I'll give you a coupon for next time."  
Death reached down next to the booth seat and wrapped his bone fingers around the handle of his scythe. "I can't eat this. Nuts give me pimples."  
The waitress raised an eyebrow. "With your complexion, I'd be more worried about fossilization."  
*Poke* *Thud!*  
Ranma blinked as the waitress fell limply onto the floor after Death had poked her. "Whoa, she's dead... am I obligated to do something now?"  
Death shook his head slowly. "Not at the moment. Wait until the scene changes again." The wraith sighed deeply, then stood up. "Well, my meal's ruined. I might as well leave now."  
Ranma finished off her ice cream, then looked up at him. "You going already?"  
Death nodded. "Supporting role. Mark my words, I'm going to get overtime for this. Oh well. Farewell, and remember what I said."  
Ranma nodded. "If I see someone named 'Snake', kill him on sight."  
Death nodded again on his way out. "It's not likely he'll appear, but remember that, just in case."  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Death walked up to the bruised and beaten form of Black Dragon, shaking his cowled head slowly. "Two scenes in a row. These transitions are far too vague."  
"It hurts... so much..."  
None could tell that Death was glaring at the author as the cloaked figure stood over him, but there was definitely some extra annoyance present in the pit of black that represented Death's face. "Really, couldn't you give me a break, just for one chapter? I mean, my characterization has 'one-shot' written all over it. I don't even know why I'm still on your staff."  
"Agony... pain... stop breaking... the fourth wall..." Black Dragon groaned.  
Death shook his cowled hood. "You are DEFINITELY going to hear from my agent. And if I may say so, your staff manager is an ass. Now get up and come on."  
BD slowly staggered to his feet, fighting the agonizing pain as the black-cloaked figure walked toward the school building. "Umm... why are you here, anyway? Seriously, you're right. I mean, I've already died, right?"  
"Yes, well, the budget's a bit tight, so here I am. Supporting characters are in short supply right now."  
BD blinked, rubbing his bruised head. "What about the original character staff?"  
"Rayden was fired last month. The entire management staff is in an uproar over which Rayden was laid off. In the end, all the Raydens are on strike, and the rest of the staff took off in the confusion for interviews for secondary roles in Dark Jedi."  
BD stretched, feeling the last of pain and weariness leave him. "Dang, this recovery rate is something else!" He turned towards the physical incarnation of death. "So, what's happening?"  
Death walked into the school building, ignoring the few odd stares he got from the faculty members that had work to do over the weekend. "There's been an update in the mission parameters. I'm here to help you."  
BD blinked. "Okay. Cool. So what kind of help am I getting?"  
Death took a turn in the hall, and then pushed open the door to a computer room, holding the door open for his former client. "Are you familiar with the Master PC program?"  
Black Dragon scratched his chin. "No... I don't think... wait, wasn't that some kind of reality editor in a lemon fic? Yeah, I think I remember that. You use it to boost personal attributes and adjust reality around you."  
Death nodded, closing the door behind them. "Right. I'm here to give it to you."  
BD blinked, astounded. "What? Seriously?"  
Death nodded once more. "Yes. I believe it's on this one, over here."  
Death pointed across the lab, and BD followed his dry, bleached finger to a single computer terminal that was glowing with an aura of evil.  
"Sweet!" the author exclaimed, and then jumped into the chair before the computer.  
After turning the computer on, Black Dragon waited patiently until the main screen loaded, and then hurriedly clicked on the Master PC shortcut icon.  
"MS MPC?" BD asked, confused. "That's some acronym."  
Death walked up behind the seated man, his scythe blade hovering directly over BD's mouse hand. "This is Microsoft Master PC. Recently, Microsoft bought out Mystical and Inexplicable Magic Items Inc., thus cornering the market on computer-based plot devices. Subsequently, they've remade the Master PC program for market distribution."  
BD nodded slowly, digesting the information. "Meaning..."  
"That this version isn't nearly as user-friendly, and you still have no chance of getting laid."  
The author nodded again. "Of course. Some things never change."  
"Also, this is the shareware version of the program," Death added, before turning away and heading out the door. "You break the computer, and you're paying for it."  
  
Black Dragon blinked as Death shut the door behind him, pondering the apparition's last statement. Then he discarded it completely, turning back to the program.  
"Let's see... target: 'Black Dragon'."  
A screen quickly popped up, showing a picture of the author, as well as his real name, social security number, vital statistics, and favorite type of pig meat.  
"Let's see... HEY!!! Who put my intelligence at 3?!" BD glared at the computer. "Oh, I get it. Just because I'm the first one to access this account, this is supposed to represent me naturally, huh? And I'm probably reinforcing this by yelling at a computer monitor, HUH?!" BD glared some more. "Well, I'll fix all that!"  
With that, the misplaced author moved the mouse pointer over to the "intelligence" stat number, only to realize that the adjustment buttons were all grayed over, indicating that they could not be changed.  
"*&^%!!" He yelled, growling. "All the stat buttons are like that!" He looked down to his favorite type of pig meat, and found that the button next to it was solid, thus indicating that he could adjust that area. "But I really like ham!" He complained.  
Deciding to mess with his vital stats after he managed to get a hold of the complete version, BD clicked on one of the many category tags at the top of the screen.  
"Let's see... 'artificial reality enhancements'. Looks good."  
Clicking on the tab, a new window popped up with a number of new options. Most of which were grayed out completely.  
"Okay... here we have 'plotline variance distributor'. A rather high percentage, and unadjustable, just as expected. Hmmm... 'automatic speech censor'. Figures I can't even change that."  
Scrolling down some more, Black Dragon found a small, clearly defined check box with the words 'enable hammerspace access' next to it. It was marked already. Next to the box was a drop-down list with 'activate hammerspace acquisition fault' in it. It was grayed out.  
"Bleagh. Stupid thing. What's next?" BD scanned the tabs once more, finding and clicking on the 'nihilistic super powers' tab.  
"Hello, what have we here?" Mostly, it was a great number of options, all of them but one grayed out, prohibiting any changes whatsoever. "'Shoot ki blasts', not checked. 'Obligatory near-invulnerability', checked. 'Maddening big-ass aura that tears up the ground', not checked. 'Depression powerful enough to take tangible form and slam into people', not checked. Phooey."  
BD eventually scrolled down to the very last item on the long list, the only item that could be modified. "Sweet!! 'Enable amazing but mostly useless and totally obscure avatar powers'! I am IN BUSINESS!!" Grinning, BD moved the mouse pointer over the check box, and clicked the mouse.  
A long, rectangular window immediately popped up over the screen.  
Black Dragon stared. "MS MPC has performed an illegal operation... illegal operation..."  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Death winced as a number of alphanumeric symbols that substituted for real letters poured from the windows of the school, causing educators walking through the halls to stumble and fall to the floor.  
"Well, as long as he doesn't break it..." the cloaked figure muttered.  
Standing before him (well, not so much standing, as kneeling and shaking like an agitated snake rattle), Gosunkugi peeked out from behind his bookbag. "Are you SURE you're not here for Kuno?"  
Death turned back towards the scrawny teenager. "Are you kidding me? NOTHING kills that guy. I swear, he's gonna be around when Rush Limbaugh kicks the bucket."  
Gosunkugi stopped shaking and gaped. "You're kidding..."  
"No joke. Happousai has nothing on this dude. He's freakin' invincible." Death continued, muttering to himself. "Now, back to business."  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma's eyes slowly opened up, and she blinked her eyes repeatedly as the darkness slowly materialized into recognizable shapes.  
"Wha... What the hell? What's going on?"  
Trying to move her arms, Ranma realized that she was tied up.  
As her mind kicked into high gear, the pigtailed girl finally noticed the other person in the room with her.  
"Oh geez! Shampoo!!" Ranma's eyes widened, and she began to struggle against the ropes as the Amazon girl stood over her.  
Suddenly, Shampoo grabbed her by the shirt, and pulled her up into the air.  
"You listen now!" Shampoo said hurriedly. Ranma was very skilled, and she wasn't sure what the martial artist might pull if given the opportunity. "Shampoo no want kill Ranma!"  
Ranma stopped struggling. "You don't want to kill me?"  
Shampoo sighed in relief, and then shook her head. "No, Shampoo not want hurt Ranma."  
Ranma blinked. "Okay... then why did you keep following me and chase me down and then knock me out and tie me up?" She frowned. "For that matter, when did you knock me out? Did we miss a scene or something?"  
Shampoo blinked as well. "Shampoo... Shampoo not know. Scene break, and now you is in rope. But is no important anyway."  
"You're darn right it's important!" Ranma yelled, "Not a single establishing scene! I was just minding my own business, eating ice cream, and BAM!! Next thing I know, I'm tied up! What the hell is this?"  
Shampoo rubbed her forehead. "Shampoo not know. Ignore plot hole and continue on, yes?"  
Ranma fumed, but nodded. "As long as this doesn't happen often. I'm getting sick of this 'random editing' nonsense."  
Shampoo cleared her throat, marking the end of the series of gratuitous fourth-level consciousness violations.  
Then, she poured hot water over Ranma's head.  
"Whoa! Hey! What's up? What're you doing?!"  
Shampoo grinned widely as Ranma's bewildered face looked up at hers. "Ranma see!" Then she took out a knife, and before the pigtailed boy could start panicking, sliced the ropes open.  
Ranma blinked as she tossed the knife away. "Okay... so, why are you-" he was cut off as Shampoo threw her arms around his neck, and then pulled him in for a long, deep kiss.  
"....................." Ranma didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. He thought that this might be another kiss of death, but then, Shampoo had said that she didn't want to kill Ranma, and this kiss just seemed... different than the other one.  
Shampoo finally pulled away, and then smiled blissfully at her new husband. "Wo da airen..." she murmured, and then rested her head against Ranma's chest.  
Ranma's left eye twitched. "Will somebody tell me what's going on?!?"  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"So, now it's morning of the next day, right?"  
"Shut up! We're not supposed to say anything!"  
"Wait, which scene is this? There was no establishing description."  
"Quiet! Quiet! Move forward, quick!"  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"YES!!! AT LAST!!!"  
Several arriving faculty members stumbled as the shout echoed through the halls of Furinkan High, shattering the early morning peace that always settled over Furinkan when Kuno wasn't around.  
One teacher in particular who was approaching the main building dropped some of his papers as the cry rang out, and was further surprised as Black Dragon burst out of the front doors, shaking his fist in the air.  
BD locked onto the man in front of the school, and grinned at him. "I finally did it! It took one-and-a-half scenes to divert attention and lend credibility to the passage of time, not to mention 13 hours on Microsoft's tech support line, but I've finally done it! I have claimed my chaos powers!"  
The man blinked. "What?"  
BD smirked. "I can see you are speechless with awe. Let me show you the might of the Lord of Chaos!" With that, BD crossed his arms over his chest, concentrated, and then thrust his arms out toward the baffled teacher.  
*Gloosh* A wave of gray paint washed out from nowhere, hitting the instructor in the back and washing over his suit.  
"Ha ha!" Black Dragon laughed, thrusting a fist into the air. "Behold! The ability to warp chance at will! PH33R |\/|`/ |\/|4|] 5K1||Z!!"  
"HEY!!! That was my favorite suit!" The teacher yelled, glaring at the misplaced author.  
BD snorted. "Whine, whine, whine. Is that all you people know how to do? Get over it."  
The teacher's eye twitched. "All right, you little punk... now you'll feel the sting of the Laser Pointer branch of the Edu-Kei-Ken School of Martial Arts!"  
BD blinked, then he smirked. "You too, eh? So what's your deal? You gonna try and blind me by shining a pointer in my eye?"  
The man pulled out a small cylinder from the back of his pocket, and the held it in both hands as he pushed a switch on the side.  
*Pshooo* A thick energy beam slowly formed out of the laser pointer, forming a blade of energy in the air.  
BD's smirked died. "Uh oh..." Thinking quickly, he jabbed a finger at the Furinkan instructor. "Feel the powers of chaos!"  
The instructor angled his light saber into a defensive position, watching for another wave of paint or similar substance.  
After a few moments, he looked back toward Black Dragon. "Uhm... where-"  
"Wait for it..." BD interrupted, holding his pose.  
"Ooh! You're so cool!" BD and the teacher both blinked, and then turned to the side.  
  
Hikaru Gosunkugi was being practically choked in the middle of a crowd of schoolgirls, all of them smiling brightly at him and giggling.  
"You're a photographer? Wow!! That's so interesting!"  
"Do you have your own developing room?"  
"Can you take my picture? I have the cutest new outfit!"  
"I want to catalogue my swimsuit collection! Can you help me with that?"  
In the midst of all of this, Gosunkugi was floundering and grasping for words to respond to his sudden popularity, all the while being pushed along by the crowd of enthusiastic females.  
Behind the crowd, Death stalked along, waving his scythe in the air. "Excuse me! I'm trying to do my job here! Hey! Stop! I said stop!"  
BD sweatdropped. "But... didn't you meet up with him yesterday? How come it took you so long to-"  
Death jabbed a bone finger at him, cutting the author off. "And YOU shut the hell up!" Mumbling to himself, Death turned back toward the moving crowd and followed the besieged Gosunkugi.  
  
The instructor turned back toward Black Dragon. "Was that it?"  
BD frowned. "Yeah. I'm gonna have to be more careful with this from now on. I didn't realize quite how powerful it was."  
The teacher nodded. "Indeed." Then he raised his light saber over his head. "And now, you will be punished!!"  
"Oh %^&$..."  
  
***********************************************************************  
End Chapter 2 


End file.
